It’s a mystery, of sorts, especially within a society where so much emphasis is placed on the constant pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. On the surface, the solution would be an easy one: If it’s not working, then leave. But anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows it’s just never that simple. Relationships are layered with emotional, financial and societal complexities, and couples’ reasons for staying together though being unhappy can also be multi-faceted.
Here is an article explaining seven common reasons couples stick together in unhappy relationships, digging into the psychology, societal pressures, and emotional attachment that makes leaving, for many, impossible. More importantly, we’ll discuss how to overcome these challenges so individuals can make choices that cater to their well-being and happiness.
1. Fear of Being Alone
One of the most alluring reasons couples remain in unhappy relationships is literally due to the fear of being alone. Human beings are social creatures. We like feeling connected, the companionship, and the security of knowing someone out there cares about us. Closing the curtains on a relationship, particularly one that has existed for several years, brings with it the frightening reality of loneliness.
This may be worse for those individuals who connect their self-esteem with the status of being in a relationship. The stigma put by society on being single, especially as years wear on, may add on to this fear and makes people cling to a relationship that no longer serves them.
Understanding the Fear
Sometimes this is because they lack the confidence, and sometimes it is because they have experienced loneliness in the past. In some individuals, this prospect of solitary living triggers a sense of inadequacy or the belief that they are unworthy of being loved. They may feel tempted to think that a lousy relationship is preferable to no relationship at all.
Breaking the Cycle:
Build a support system. Major decisions cannot be made without friends and family around for emotional support. Knowing people who care about you outside of your relationship makes the idea of being single less terrifying.
Invest time in being alone. Learn to enjoy being in your own company. This can include solo traveling, hobbies, mindfulness, and meditation. The more confident you are about being alone, the less likely you will stay in an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of being alone.
2. Financial Dependence
Money is among the primary reasons that keep couples in unhappy marriages. Whether it is shared living expenses, financial dependence on one partner, or just a fear of the financial turmoil that must be overcome in separation, people often feel trapped in a relationship because they can’t envision how to maintain their financial security alone.
How Financial Dependence Develops
This can be manifested in many relationships, especially traditional ones, whereby one stays out to work and bring in the money, while the other manages the house or takes care of the children. In such a case, with time, the non-earning partner becomes financially dependent on the earning partner. It breeds a power dynamic which makes it very hard for the dependent partner to leave, even in situations where the relationship has become toxic or emotionally draining.
Furthermore, shared financial responsibilities, such as a mortgage, debt, or investments, might also be intimidating to think about having to divide. A couple who have merged their finances are most often very afraid of the logistical nightmare that disentangling them would pose.
Breaking the Cycle:
Seek independence in every way. If you happen to be financially dependent on your partner, start thinking about the best ways through which you can regain your independence. This may be through furthering your education, finding employment, or doing anything else that will contribute financially to the household.
Develop a financial exit plan. While one might not be ready to leave a relationship, knowing precisely what one would do if things get worse provides an element of empowerment. This might include setting aside part of an income each month in a separate account or getting advice on finances so as to understand what options are available.
3. Children and Family Responsibilities
Usually, children are the main reason couples do not leave an unhappy relationship. Parents fear that by separating, it will make a change that hurts the children, especially if the kids are small or in formative stages in life. Then, of course, there is a pressure to create a stable environment for them, which usually means mom and dad staying together, even though the relationship is not working out between the two parents.
Guilt of breaking up for the kids
Many parents feel guilty even to consider a breakup as they don’t want to disturb the lives of their children. They’re afraid divorce or separation will cause harm to their children emotionally, where children develop feelings of abandonment or insecurity. This leads parents to try to put their children’s perceived needs ahead of their happiness because they believe maintaining the family unit is the right thing, even when it makes them miserable.
On the other hand, remaining in an unhappy relationship can also be detrimental to children. Children are remarkably perceptive, and they can sense it when there is tension, unhappiness, or conflict between their parents. Growing up in an environment devoid of love or filled with constant conflict shapes their own beliefs about the relationship in very unhealthy ways.
Breaking the Cycle:
Consider the impact on the children’s long-term development: Ask yourself, “Does your decision to stay in this relationship really serve your children best?” Children benefit most from parents who are emotionally healthy and fulfilled, even if these parents are not longer together.
See a family counselor. A professional counselor or therapist will help navigate you through such co-parenting, separation, or divorce challenges that the impact on your children’s emotions is minimal. They can even help you discover if there’s something remaining which you could improve upon before making your final decision to leave.
4. Fear of Change
Humans are a creation of habit, and the very notion of change initiates an anxious alarm within their mind. Leaving behind an established relationship may remind one of venturing into an unknown world, uncertain about what lay in store for them. This might make a couple stay in a miserable marriage instead of facing up to any alternative due to fear of the unknown.
Why We Resist Change
For many, comfort-even dysfunctional comfort-means safety. The habits, routines, and emotional investments one has made in a long-term relationship are hard to abandon once they have stopped serving us well. It is scary to date again, or start anew, or face the world without a partner beside you; scarier, than staying in a relationship that does not fulfill your needs.
Breaking the Cycle:
Learn to love the little changes. First, make minor changes in your life until you become comfortable with the idea of bigger shifts. Be it trying some new hobby, making new friends, or working on personal goals, being set to the pace of change in one area of life makes it easier to embrace in others.
Visualize the future. Instead of fearing what the future holds, it may be useful to spend some time thinking about what your life would or could look like if you did indeed implement those changes. Envision a happier, healthier version of you and your life. This can be a powerful balancing agent when weighed against the fear of leaving something stagnant.
Low self-esteem traps individuals into unfulfilling relationships. People settle for less because they feel they don’t deserve better or they don’t trust themselves to find love again. This inadequacy makes an individual cling deep inside to the relationship when it is unsatisfactory.
Self-Worth and Relationships
A person with low self-esteem may end up remaining in a relationship in which one feels unappreciated or unloved because one feels this is the best that they deserve. Apart from this, they are also often afraid that they won’t find another partner or that they don’t deserve to be loved and treated respectfully. Besides, abusive or toxic relationships often destroy one’s self-worth, making leaving even more difficult.
Breaking the Cycle:
Work on your self-esteem by investing in your self-development and growth. Also, surround yourself with positive people who uplift and support you, encouraging you to love yourself.
Seek professional help: Therapies or counseling often help people suffering from self-esteem issues. A therapist may help you find the root of such feelings of self-worth and guide you through the process of recovery and development of confidence.
6. Hope for Change
Perhaps the single biggest reason couples stay in a miserable marriage or relationship has something to do with hope. This more often than not manifests itself by believing that they marry partners who will change, the relationship will get better after some time, or other things such as stress, work, and finances are causes of their unhappiness, which will improve by themselves.
Illusion of Potential
Many people stay because they’re so heavily invested in the potential of their relationship, rather than its reality. The things people commonly say to themselves are, “If only my partner would change this one thing,” or “Maybe things will improve once this phase of life passes.” This sense of hope, while important, can also keep people stuck in relationships that have little chance of real improvement.
Breaking the Cycle:
Weigh the evidence in the balance. Consider the relationship in its present state. Is there any systematic effort or significant improvement? If not, then perhaps it’s time to come to terms with the fact that hope itself cannot heal the root causes.
Talk truthfully. If there was hope that things would improve, one should be able to speak to their partner where an understanding of one’s concerns and expectations are shared, whether they want to make the changes that will save the relationship and if it means that ‘both’ of you will make those necessary changes or just wishful thinking.
7. Cultural and Social Pressures
Cultural norms and the expectations of society play a great role in why couples would want to stick on when their relationship is already unhappy. Certain cultures or communities put tremendous pressure on an individual to continue the marriage or partnership even if it means not experiencing personal happiness in such a union. This could emanate from family, religious beliefs, or even societal norms that stigmatize divorce or separation.
The Power of Social Expectations
Most marriages are lifetime commitments, and breaking up with a spouse or long-term mate is often seen as a defeat. Aside from the personal failure, the pressure from religious or conservative upbringing may become overwhelming for anyone to ever consider such an action. People feel that their community is judging them or are too afraid to disappoint their family.
Breaking the Cycle:
It’s time to define your own values. Yes, cultural and societal expectations are strong, but really, it’s time to define what matters to you. Is staying in an unhappy relationship more important than your personal happiness and well-being? Reflect upon your own values and priorities with what feels right for you.
Seek out external support. Find communities or support groups whose philosophy on happiness and fulfillment of life rings true to you. Sometimes, being surrounded by people who understand what you are going through and support your choices makes it easier to move away from the pressure of society’s expectations.